


If You're Gonna Stay, Then Stay

by sloblesbian



Series: Enstars High School AU [1]
Category: Ensemble Stars! (Video Game)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-02
Updated: 2017-03-02
Packaged: 2018-09-27 21:54:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 22
Words: 10,249
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10052996
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sloblesbian/pseuds/sloblesbian
Summary: a regular high school au, sort of.





	1. Autumn, Senior Year

**Author's Note:**

> i made a playlist for this: https://playmoss.com/en/sloblesbian/playlist/boy-problemz
> 
> also, when i say "regular high school" i mean, my high school, meaning: american, and heavily skewed towards the arts, which honestly yumenosaki is just a very specific type of art school anyway so it worked out nicely.

The final bell had rung not five minutes ago, but the library was already empty besides the two of them. As they made their way up to the alcove where the GSA meetings were held, Izumi talked, and Shu listened.

 

“I don’t know what he wants and it’s driving me up a wall. And like, I can’t even ask him. Any time I even acknowledge what’s going on, he backs off, he locks it away and pretends it isn’t happening. I mean I understand being uncomfortable with how other people could perceive it, wanting to maintain an image… well… What image does Leo have to maintain, really, but I get the idea. But it’s like he can’t admit it, even to me. Like it’s not real if we don’t talk about it.”

 

Shu nodded in what he hoped was an emphatic manner. He began taking down the plastic chairs from where they had been stacked, upside down, on the table, thinking about how to respond. When Izumi cornered him after class and asked if he could give some relationship advice, Shu agreed easily enough, but the more Izumi talked, the more unsure Shu felt about how to respond. He was confident enough in his ability to advise anyone on anything, but he had to admit he didn’t have much experience at relationships. He really only had the one relationship to draw experience from, and it wasn’t much like anything Izumi could ask about. Mika had always been upfront about his interest in him, about his feelings. Their relationship had always been straightforward. Still, Shu was confident that even having nothing to draw from, advice from him was better than advice from someone else.

 

Mika and Shu had first met online when they were still kids, really. Even then, Mika had followed everything Shu said like a mandate from heaven. _And why wouldn’t he_ , Shu thought. _I’ve never given him cause to doubt me_. But his fight with Nazuna had cast doubts on everything he did since it had happened, even if he didn’t show it outwardly. He knew people thought he was controlling, with unreasonable, exacting standards. But he thought it didn’t matter, as long as he and Mika were happy.

 

“And then he backs off, and I think, ‘Fine. I don’t need the confusion anyway.’ But little by little he comes back and I don’t even fight it because I’ve missed it, I’ve missed him like this. But it’s like. Half or not at all, that’s the only way I can have him.”

 

His friendship with Nazuna had been everything his relationship with Mika was not. With Nazu, Shu was warm, was open with his praise in a way he wasn’t with Mika; Nazuna was the kind of person who needed to hear what Shu thought of him, and Mika already knew. At least, that’s what Shu had always believed.

 

“So,” Izumi said, to fill the silence. “What can I do?”

 

They hadn’t talked in awhile, and Shu held it against Nazuna. It used to be every day they would go home together after school, the three of them. Shu would draw them, Nazuna especially. He’d design clothes for him, have him try on half finished garments, make Nazuna model for him. “If you weren’t so small, you would be a natural,” Shu had always said. He had considered Nazuna a good friend. But apparently Nazuna hadn’t felt the same way. They had drifted apart, for no real reason that Shu could find. And when Shu had confronted him, sweet, cute little Nazu had snapped. Had told Shu he was controlling, inconsiderate to anyone’s feelings or desires but his own, and treated people like objects. “Like we’re one of your dolls, to be put behind glass and treasured from afar, instead of real people, who don’t have to follow your orders.” Of course Shu had dismissed it, stalked off and written Nazuna off as another person whom Shu had undeservedly given his friendship. But ever since then, the memory of the fight would crop up, and instead of feeling angry at how Nazuna had treated him, Shu would feel guilty. A nagging voice he hadn’t heard inside of himself before kept insisting that Nazuna might be onto something. What if he was right?

 

“Hmmm.” Shu put the last chair on the ground, and looked at Izumi. He was leaning against the wall, next to the door, inspecting his fingernails. The solution to this seemed pretty simple to Shu, but things like this were always easier to advise on than they were to act on. “You really only have two options here. Either you tell him to leave you alone and come back when he’s serious, or you don’t, and you can continue to make out in closets whenever Leo feels like it, as long as you never talk about it. Simple.”

 

If there was any credence at all to what Nazuna had said, it worried Shu. He had many acquaintances, admirers and associates, but few true friends, he felt. He didn’t want things with them to end the way they had with Nazuna. He didn’t want things with Mika to end that way. He wouldn’t be able to stand it.

 

“The way you say it definitely makes it sound easy, but it doesn’t feel like it is,” Izumi said. Shu tried to give him a sympathetic look. From the stairs came the sound of footsteps as someone ascended. Mika poked his head through the doorway and smiled cheerily upon seeing Shu.

 

“Hullo,” he mumbled at Izumi, shyly. His black hair was slightly overgrown, the ends of it poking into his eyes, and curling around the nape of his neck. When they got home, Shu would trim it for him. Nazuna’s accusation about treating people like dolls echoed in his head, and Shu’s brow creased. Maybe he would let Mika cut his own hair, how he liked it, instead.

 

“Are you staying for the meeting?” Shu asked Izumi.   
“Oh, no. Thanks for the talk,” he said, leaving.

 

People began to file in shortly after, taking the seats Shu had arranged. They discussed all sorts of things at the GSA meetings, topics Shu thought were important, issues that they faced in school and other aspects of their lives, but mostly how they were feeling. It was a meeting once a week where its members gathered to talk about things that they couldn’t talk about with other people in their life. Except Shu, who mostly listened. There wasn’t an official president of the GSA, but if there was an unofficial one, it was him. He always arrived first, he took notes and arranged fundraisers, and tried to steer the conversation in a useful direction. He didn’t talk about how he was feeling, not with these people, not with anyone.


	2. Autumn, Senior Year

On the floor next to him, Mika sat with the end of his pencil in his mouth, absent-mindedly gnawing at it as he looked over his homework. Shu had been drawing him as he worked, thinking as he had been all day. What if there was some truth to the things Nazuna had said? Shu had always seen himself as perfectly following the path he needed to take, to get to where he wanted to be. He worked hard both in school and outside of it. He knew it made him difficult to be friends with. But Shu didn’t think he was actively driving away the people he wanted to keep close. He had never considered that when people stopped being friends with him, it was because of how he had treated them. 

 

“Mika,” he started. 

“Mm?” Mika looked up, the pencil still in his mouth. Shu sighed and reached over and plucked it out of his mouth. 

“I can’t talk to you when you look like that. Listen,” 

“Yeah?” 

“Listen, I- “ He hesitated. How to put this in a way that won’t alarm him, Shu thought. “I’ve been thinking…” Shu trailed off, stuck on the thought.  _ I’ve been thinking that I’m going to drive you away by trying to keep you close to me. I’ve been thinking that maybe I’ve been wrong so many times, when I thought I had been right _ . He looked at Mika. Under his scraggly hair, his face was earnest, sweet. Not the perfect almost porcelain-like features that Nazuna had, but cute, always happy and eager to please, full of emotion. His mismatched eyes were open with concern now, looking up at Shu. “Nevermind.”

“No, what is it?”

“Nothing important. Don’t worry about it.” Worry crossed Mika’s face regardless, but he didn’t press the issue. He put the pencil back in his mouth.

 

Comfortable silence filled the space between them, the silence of people who are long used to each other’s presence. For three years they had lived in the same house, gone to the same school, shared the same meals, the same thoughts and dreams. But it had been Shu’s house, and Shu’s school, and now, Shu worried, his thoughts and dreams. To him, their relationship was perfect. There wasn’t anything about it he would change. But he had to accept that the way he felt wasn’t how everyone felt, all the time. He couldn’t assume Mika shared all of his opinions. 

 

“Do you ever want to join any clubs?” He asked.

“Mmf, I’m in some clubs already, though?” 

“I meant on your own. Without me.” Mika’s brows pinched together at that.

“No? You’re in all the clubs I want to be in.” 

“I was just thinking that maybe there was something you’d like to do on your own, but haven’t, because I wouldn’t be there.” Mika frowned. Shu flicked his gaze away.

“I just wanna be where you are, though?” 

“Hmph. You should learn to be more independent.” From behind him, Shu could hear the sound of Mika shuffling closer, inching towards him over the carpet.  He felt the warmth of his body before he felt his touch. 

“I don’t wanna be more independent,” Mika said, laying his head against Shu’s shoulder.

 

For a minute, Shu basked in the moment, the touch, the closeness between he and Mika. There was no one around to look at them, in the privacy of their own house. He could turn around and pull Mika to him, melt into him and express what he felt in the best way he knew: without any words whatsoever. But Shu wasn’t sure the translation would make it across in the way he wanted. Not only did he need to make sure Mika does what will make him happiest, but that he will be able to stand on his own when Shu graduates. 

 

Instead, he raised himself off the floor, gently pushing Mika away. “I’m going to go to bed early.” 

“Oh,” Mika said. Shu pretended to not hear the disappointment in his voice.


	3. Autumn, Senior Year

Bzzt. From across the room, Izumi’s phone sounded, rattling against the table. He pushed his chair back, leaning across the distance, in order to reach his phone from where he left it. After all the effort expended, he frowned when he saw the text on the screen. From Leo, a single emoji. An alien face. He locked the phone again and threw it on his bed. Even without the added confusion, it wasn’t worth replying to. Just a reminder that Leo existed, that he wanted Izumi’s attention. He went back to his homework, pushing thoughts of Leo out of his head. It was hard. He had the conviction to ignore more than just a text message from Leo, but it was hard. It was his will versus his desire, a battle of strength and subterfuge. Even when Leo wasn’t around, all sorts of little things made Izumi think of him. The color of the sunset and the first stars in the night’s sky. Birdsong and rainfall and all sorts of little noises, the kind Leo would imitate, record and play back, laughing. The tap, tap tap, of who knows what, sounding in the distance. Tap. Tap tap. Someone was throwing pebbles at his window. _What is it, 1950?_ Izumi thought, walking to his window and opening it. Outside, like conjured from his thoughts, was Leo, standing in the evening glow, beaming up at Izumi.

 

“Ah! A monster,” Leo said, a laugh behind his words, with performed mock-horror. Izumi touched his face. He had forgotten the clay mask he was wearing when he went to open the window. He rolled his eyes.

“It’s just skincare, you idiot. What do you want?”

“I just wanted to see what you were doing.” Izumi’s conviction faltered at Leo’s tone of voice. Underneath the perpetual joke, there were moments of sincerity in Leo Tsukinaga. There existed a Leo with whom a serious topic could be broached, who a conversation about what was happening could be had. _But having the potential to do something isn’t the same thing as doing it,_ Izumi thought. _If he’s not going to consider my feelings, I’ll have to consider them myself._

“Can we hang out?” Leo asked.


	4. Summer, After Junior Year

The sun had just set but the August heat still permeated Izumi right down to his bones. All the windows in his house were swung wide open, as he laid on the floor, absent-mindedly flipping through the pages of a magazine. Hot weather sucked the motivation completely out of him, eviscerating his drive to do anything, talk to anyone, be anything other than a puddle melted on the floor, waiting for winter to return. 

 

“Izumi, I-zu-mi, can you hear me,” came a voice on the breeze streaming in through his window. On the last note of child-like tune, the voice broke, but Izumi recognized it. Leo wasn’t a great singer, but he was a constant one; if you knew Leo Tsukinaga, you knew his singing voice. Izumi hoisted himself off the ground and stuck his head into the open window, to peer at Leo standing on the sidewalk in front of his house.   
“Hey,” Leo said when he saw Izumi’s face.

“What?” 

“Come down, come do-wn,” Leo intoned, resuming his singing. 

“Stop, stop, fine, I’ll come down. Give me a minute. No more singing.”

Izumi made his way downstairs despite the heat, pulling his shoes on as he went. He had to admit it was at least cooling off without the sun glaring outside. 

“Okay, what do you want?” Izumi said as he opened his door.    
“Just to hang out. You wanna walk?” Leo said, gesturing down the street.

Izumi made a face that said he didn’t, not really. “Fine,” he said, in opposition to his expression.

 

They walked. Leo was uncharacteristically quiet. They hadn’t seen much of each other since school had ended. Izumi would admit that they were indeed friends, but not the friends who sought each other’s company outside of school or chess. Their shared interests began and ended with the club they both belonged to. Leo was expressive, boisterous, and not so much bad at school as completely uninterested in it, whereas Izumi was a motivated worker and reserved in emotion. They really only ever saw each other when hanging out with Arashi, the ultimate people-pleaser, a friend to them both. But Izumi liked Leo, even with how different they were from one another. His antics rarely made Izumi as irritated as he pretended to be, and his smile made Izumi want to smile, too. It helped that he was nice to look at, as well. He had red hair, worn long and always tied at the nape of his neck, freckles splashed across his nose and cheeks, and a smile so big it split his face in two. Izumi was always caught off guard by the sight of it. 

 

“So,” Izumi said, breaking the silence.   
“So what,” Leo echoed.    
“What’s up?” 

“Nothing really. I just couldn’t sit in my house anymore. Also I knew you’d be home. ‘It’s toooo hot,’” Leo said, mimicking Izumi’s voice, whining.    
“Oh, shut up,” Izumi said, stifling a grin.

 

Leo swung his hands while he walked, back and forth, in little circles, up and down, like he was conducting a mini orchestra, his motions only visible when he let his hands fall. They kept bumping into Izumi’s. After about the fifth or sixth time, Izumi started to wonder if Leo was doing it on purpose. If he tried to put some distance between them, Leo would slowly fill it. The next time Leo hit him, Izumi laughed.

 

“What are you doing, you idiot?” 

“What, this?” Leo said, hitting Izumi’s thigh with the back of his hand. “I don’t know.” He flicked Izumi’s wrist. Izumi laughed and pulled his arm to his chest.    
“Cut it out, stop hitting me.” They had stopped walking, but Leo was purposely swinging his arms now, hitting Izumi where his hand would have been, had it been hanging, on every pass. 

“Stop,” Izumi said, grabbing Leo’s hand. Leo stopped. He turned his head down to look at their hands, his held inside Izumi’s. The air had changed. It was officially night now, and without the sun, in his shorts and the breeze, Izumi felt a chill creeping through him, a tension between the two of them.  _ God, _ he thought.  _ I would’ve sworn he was straight. _

“Hmm,” Leo said, almost a hum. He turned Izumi’s hand over, to look at the back of it. He looked down at the top of Leo’s bowed head, their hands, together, and couldn’t find an explanation of what was happening. Tentatively, tenderly, he brushed his thumb across the back of Leo’s hand. The spell of the moment shattered almost immediately. Leo withdrew his hand from Izumi’s, not unkindly, but with wiggling fingers and a sheepish smile.

 

“Um,” he said, filled with an awkwardness that he rarely experienced. Izumi didn’t say anything. He still wasn’t sure what was happening. “Sena, listen. I like you, I really do. But not in that way, okay?” 

 

“Then quit trying to hold my hand, idiot.” Leo laughed at that, but to Izumi, it didn't feel that funny. 

 

\---

 

They had played a few games of chess, but mostly they had sat in the classroom they used for the club meetings and talked. Ritsu had beaten Tsukasa three times in a row with barely opening an eye, perhaps in part to the contradicting advice given to him by Leo and Arashi, but more likely due to Ritsu’s skill, even while half asleep. But the sun began to set, and Ritsu opened his eyes, more awake than he had been all day, and started for home, with Tsukasa on his heels, demanding answers to how he’d done it. Arashi followed soon after, their schedule busy as ever. Which left Izumi and Leo alone. 

 

The late afternoon light filtered through the blinds over the classroom window, leaving strips of light and shadow across the two of them, in the dimmed classroom. In a moment, they would have to turn on the overhead light in order to remain visible to each other, but for now, the effect was beautiful in a way Izumi rarely experienced in this school. He looked over to Leo, to see Leo looking at him.

 

“You don’t want to play a game, do you?” Izumi asked. Leo locked his fingers together and stretched his arms up over his head, the only way he was ever taller than Izumi.

“Nah,” he replied. 

“I didn’t think so,” Izumi said. He began picking up the black and white pieces, folding up the board, and putting them inside the box they would be kept in, until next week. Leo, of course, didn’t help at all. He sat on the edge of a nearby desk and watched Izumi work. 

“Well, you’re no help, as always.” Leo didn’t respond. He waited until Izumi put the box back on the shelf inside the closet of the classroom, closed the door, and turned around. Izumi hadn’t noticed Leo follow him to the closet, and stand right behind him. Now that they were facing each other, they were a few scant inches apart.

 

“Hey,” Leo said, casually. 

“Hi,” Izumi answered. It had been a little over a month since the hand holding incident. They hadn’t talked about it, and Izumi had almost forgotten it. He hadn’t expected anything to come of it, really. He didn’t know what being a straight boy was like, but he imagined it was hard. Sometimes you slipped up and held someone’s hand, especially when they were as beautiful as Izumi. Leo was cute, in a gossip about it at Arashi’s house later kind of way, and Izumi would not hesitate to pull out all his extra charm if he thought it would work on Leo. But he didn’t. He didn’t think Leo was interested in him. 

 

Still. He hadn’t told Arashi about their moment that summer, or any of the moments between then and now. He hadn’t so much as touched Izumi again, but when they were alone, there was almost a different Leo with him. This was Leo smoothed out, toned down. This was Leo preoccupied. 

 

Izumi inhaled as Leo put his hand on his waist, covering the distance between them.  _ This is not how a straight boy touches another boy, _ Izumi thought. But he didn’t say anything. He waited to see what would happen next. 

 

Leo was cautious, when he first kissed Izumi. Like trying his first sip of unsupervised wine, he put his mouth to Izumi’s, and tasted. It wasn’t half as bitter as expected; it was soft, warm, receptive. Izumi pushed his back against the closet door and Leo responded, pushing up against him, mouth on mouth in the quiet room, light fading fast. 

 

The kiss lasted only a moment, Leo pursuing and Izumi inviting, Leo’s hands just above Izumi’s hips, holding him like he might float away. And almost as unexpectedly as he started, Leo pulled away. Opening his eyes, Izumi noted, the room was barely visible. They’ll have to feel against the wall as they make their way out, into the lit hallway. 

 

Leo leaned his forehead against Izumi’s chest. “That was fun, wasn’t it?” he asked, muttering into Izumi’s t-shirt. Izumi didn’t answer right away. He wouldn’t say he hadn’t enjoyed it, but it was more confusing than it was fun. 

“Yeah,” he said, to appease Leo.

“I’m sorry,” he said, taking a swift step backwards. “I have to go now.” Izumi barely saw Leo leave in the afternoon darkness. He made his way out of the classroom on his own.

 

\---

 

There were a dozen or so incidents like those, dispersed between Leo’s carefully crafted friendly straight bro persona, and desperate texts, sent without any sort of reason Izumi could see. 

 

“I’m not gay,” Leo would write. 

“I didn’t say you were,” Izumi would answer, almost without fail, regardless of the hour. 

 

Invariably, after distancing himself from Izumi, Leo would creep closer, unnoticeable to anyone besides the two of them. And it would happen again. In a darkened classroom, Izumi’s bedroom when the house was empty, in a playground after dark. Lingering touches and a shy kiss, followed by a bolder kiss, and Leo’s eventual withdrawal. As long as Izumi didn’t initiate anything, as long as he didn’t talk about it, or respond too eagerly, it continued. If he just waited for it to happen, eventually, it would. And the more it happened, the more he wanted it to. The better Leo’s touch felt, when it finally came, and the more he wanted to seek it out when it wasn’t there. But regardless of how Izumi felt, the cycle continued the way it always had: a moment of intimacy followed by a stretch of purposeful ignorance to what they were doing. It was eating away at Izumi.


	5. Autumn, Senior Year

“No, not tonight,” Izumi said, raising his voice so Leo could hear him down on the street. He thought about what Shu had said earlier that day. It was a cycle that would continue unless Izumi put a stop to it. Leo might have been the one making all the moves, but it happened because Izumi allowed it to happen. No matter how much Izumi enjoyed it, it wasn’t making him happy, and it wouldn’t bear any fruit. 

 

Leo frowned, a comically exaggerated thing. “Alright then. See you at school.” Izumi’s stomach tightened. Since their secret fling, or whatever one might call it, had begun, Izumi hadn’t once given up a chance to spend time alone with Leo. A part of him that created the opportunity for their secret. But Izumi knew he couldn’t just turn him down tonight. He needed to tell Leo that it wouldn’t happen, ever again. He waited until Leo had walked far enough that he wouldn’t be tempted to turn around, to come bug him in person again, or whatever Leo might do, and called him. 

 

“Hey,” Leo said, answering. “Change your mind?”

“No. Actually, I need to tell you something.”    
“Yeah?” Leo said. He sounded so calm and noncommittal, unlike the Leo other people knew. The Leo that was only there when Izumi was around to see.  _ Like peeling off a bandaid, _ Izumi thought.

“I don’t think we can hang out, anymore, like, at all. Um. I don’t think this is good for me.”

“This?” 

“Listen, I’m not going to make you acknowledge what we’re doing, what you’re doing, really. But I like you, Leo Tsukinaga, and it hurts me, for you to play with my feelings like this. So I either have to stop being around you, or you have to man up, and admit that there’s something between us, and act on it.” Having said it, Izumi felt a moment of relief before the next wave of panic swept in. 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Leo said. 

“Right. I don’t know what I expected. Well, okay. Bye then.” Izumi ended the call, and looked at his screen. He locked his phone, unlocked his phone, opened his texts and looked at the alien Leo had last sent. He locked his phone, unlocked it again, and powered it down. He put it in his school bag, and went to go wash his face.


	6. Late Autumn, Senior Year

The weather was still nice enough to eat lunch outside. Arashi was sitting at a picnic table, with the umbrella up. The sun wasn’t so harsh that they would need it, but Mika knew Arashi had put it up anyway, to protect their skin. Mika greeted them and sat down with his lunch, carefully packed by Shu that morning. 

 

“So what’s up?” Arashi asked. “Don’t you usually eat lunch with Itsuki?”   
“Mhmm. I told him I wanna spend time with you, yeah? He was actually pretty happy about it.” 

“Oh? I can barely imagine that. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him smile.”

“Yeah, ’s not like him. He’s not being himself lately. Making me lunch. Telling me he loves me, like, all the time.” Mika unwrapped his lunch. He frowned. On a familiar stationery was a note, folded and tucked on top of the food. 

“And here you are, complaining about it. Tch. It’s about time he’s nice to you.” Mika unfolded the note and cringed.   
“He’s always nice to me. This isn’t being nice, ’s being weird.” He handed the note to Arashi.

Arashi laughed. “‘Be the best version of you, because you are great.’ Oh my. He stole that from a motivational poster, didn’t he? Pretty cheesy.”

“”S weird! An’ on top of that, he keeps trying to get me to leave him alone. All the things we used to always do together, he wants to do separately. He keeps trying to get me to join another club. Yesterday he had Morisawa from the basketball club come up an’ ask if I’d be interested in joining. He’s a nice guy but… even that was a stretch for him. Basketball.” 

Arashi laughed again. “Sorry. That is pretty funny. But I still don’t see what’s so bad. He’s being nice, he’s not used to it, he’s just a little awkward with the whole thing.”

“Nn. He’s not being nice. He’s doing something, an’ it’s scaring me. I don’t like when he’s nice.” Mika stuck out his bottom lip. “He doesn’t have to smile, an’ be polite, or gentle, to me. I like when he’s mean. That’s the real Shu. He takes care of me. He gave me a place to stay. He cooks for me. This, whatever he’s doing now, it scares me. I’m afraid he wants to break up.”

“Oh. Oh, no,” Arashi said. Mika’s eyes had begun to water.  _ Damn it,  _ he thought.  _ I’m so weak. I’m not good enough. _ Arashi got up from their side of the table and sat next to Mika, wrapping their arms around him. 


	7. Late Autumn, Senior Year

Shu watched Mika pick at his lunch. _ He never eats enough _ , Shu thought,  _ when I’m not there to remind him. _ When Arashi hugged Mika, Shu tried to imagine what it would be like to see Mika love someone besides him. Arashi would be a good match. They cared about Mika, and had always resented Shu, thinking him not good enough. Shu appreciated it, even if he was a little insulted. Like all the people he cared about, he had always tried to do his best by Mika, but he was starting to think he was doing more harm than good. Would he feel jealous, he wondered, if Mika found someone else? Mika was the jealous one. Possessive of Shu’s attention and time, aggressive towards anyone who encroached on his territory. But Shu couldn’t even picture it, Mika dating not only someone besides himself, but someone that Shu didn’t explicitly approve of. It was just the way Mika was. 

 

_ Get over yourself,  _ Shu thought. He was graduating at the end of the year. After that, he’d be leaving for college. Mika was a year younger than him, had a whole school year left without Shu. Whether they were together then or not, Mika had to be able to be his own person, to stand on his own. Shu needed to make sure that he wouldn’t come back to Mika resenting him.

 

“Is it strange to watch your little crow fly away?” From behind him, a voice. Shu can see the blue hair without even turning around. Wataru.    
“He’s not left the nest yet,” Shu replied. People found Wataru hard to be around for too long. He never turned it off; he was always performing. You were either an audience member, or an actor in his play. But Shu was familiar with it by now. He had known Wataru for a long time. It was a small comfort to think that there were at least a few friends he hadn’t driven away, that he wouldn’t. They understood each other. They spoke a language few others did. 

 

“So,” Wataru said, moving to stand next to Shu, to look at Mika down below. “Do you want to tell me about it?”


	8. Late Autumn, Senior Year

\-----SMS----

TO: Arashi  
Do you know if Leo will is coming to Chess today?

 

TO: Izumi

I’m here already & he isn’t yet! Haven’t seen him in a while, tho.

 

TO: Izumi

Why ?  =^._.^= ∫

 

TO: Arashi

I just don’t want to see him.

 

TO: Izumi

:0

 

TO: Izumi

why!! did he cut his hair? is he ugly now :(

 

TO: Arashi

You’re so annoying sometimes. He’s still as hot as ever.

 

TO: Izumi

Well Ill text him for u, I’m a good friend like that.

 

\----SMS----

TO: Leo

Heeeeey you coming today?  ＜◥ _ ◤＞ ◞ｖ

 

\----SMS----

TO: Izumi

Oh nvm, Ritsu just got here & said leo smashed his phone into like, a thousand pieces! Super broken.

 

TO: Arashi

Ugh. Fine. I’m not coming today. I’ll go join Shu’s little stitch & bitch.

 

TO: Izumi

Lol, speaking of boy problems…

 

TO: Arashi

Nooooooo way, Shu & Mika? I just talked to Shu and he didn’t mention anything.

 

TO: Izumi  
o shit. forget that. x___x Mika will kill me

 

TO: Arashi

Not a chance. I won’t bring it up, though. I think Shu would kill us both.

 

TO: Izumi

Actually if you’re going to see him anyway…

 

TO: Izumi

Will you find out what is up? We can get together later & discuss your problems & theirs :^)

 

TO: Arashi

Ugh. Fine. Like I said. Annoying.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the formatting is fucked when i include arashi's rampant emoji usage (ok it's like 3 but they're important), so you'll just have to imagine it.  
> edit: added some kaomoji instead, you can still imagine emoji if you want tho


	9. Late Autumn, Senior Year

“Are you sure Mika wasn’t just over-reacting?” Izumi asked. Arashi gave him a look, a raise-their-eyebrows and judge-him-from-the-corner-of-their-eye kind of look. “What?”

Arashi sat on the couch in Izumi’s living room, a plate now containing only crumbs in their lap. Izumi sat across from them, on the floor, on the other side of the coffee table. He had a cooling mug of tea in his hands. 

“Even if he is over-reacting, he’s still my best friend, and I still think his worries are worth investigating.”   
“Mm, okay. Well he did seem weird. Tense, I guess? Shu was the same as ever, though.” 

“Did you ask him if anything was up?”   
“Jesus, no. You think he would admit anything, even if I survived the defenestration?”

Arashi leaned back and released a sigh in a huff of air. “Moody bastard. I’d kill him if I thought it would save Mika some pain.” 

Izumi let out a dry laugh. “I don’t think he’s moody, I think he’s devoid of moods. Emotionally repressed.”   
“Mhmm, look who’s talking.” Arashi licked their finger, pressed it into the pile of crumbs they had created, and licked it again. Under the table, Izumi pushed his foot against their shin.

“First, rude. Second, gross.” Arashi’s exaggerated eye roll was their only response. 

“Actually. Maybe Shu was a little different. I mean, he acted pretty much the same-- it’s more how he didn’t act? Mika was being weird, right?” Arashi nodded. “And Shu basically just ignored it. That’s unlike him, if you know the two of them.”

“Ugh, that’s true. They’re almost disgustingly co-dependent. When Mika’s freaking out, he’ll calm right down if Shu is there, touching him.”

“I don’t think it’s co-dependence for the person you love to know how to soothe you, Arashi.”   
“No, of course not. But if Mika can’t function without Shu’s help, then it’s not healthy.”

“I think he can function fine without Shu; it’s just that they’re better together. They’re more…” Izumi paused, searching for the right words. “In tune. Like a machine. Or like a musical performance, that’s more Shu-like. They know each other better than they know themselves. If one of them stops playing, they still can make music, but it’s not the same separately. The piece is better if they both play, together.”

“That’s almost sweet, I guess. Who knew you were such a romantic.” Izumi ignored this. “Anyway, do you have any guesses for what’s going on?” said Arashi.    
“Hmm, I don’t know why he’s doing it, but it seems like Shu is trying to pull away from Mika, to like, distance himself?” 

“Well, if he hurts Mika at all, he will pay for it.” Arashi pulled their fingers into a fist and tried to make a menacing face. Izumi laughed.

“What are you going to do, break a nail at him?”

“I’m strong! I go to the gym!” 

“Yeah, to burn off all the calories from those cookies.”

“Wow, now who’s rude? You need to enjoy yourself more, Izumi Sena.” It was a lighthearted jest, but it was truer than Arashi had known. For a minute, neither of them spoke. 

“Soooo,” Arashi said, breaking the silence. “What’s up with you and Leo?”

“If I tell you are you going to go telling everyone else? Because it seems like you can’t keep a secret, Arashi Narukami.”   
“Okay, first off,” Arashi said, ticking off on their fingers. “That was obviously a ploy to pull you into the investigation with me. You’re my inside man. Second, Mika didn’t actually swear me to secrecy, so I broke no laws.”

“Yeah, except for the one that says ‘don’t tell your best friends’ relationship problems to Izumi.’”   
“That’s not a real law. Now spill.”

“Okay, okay. I told Leo I don’t want to see him anymore.”   
“See him? Wait, was there something between you two? Oh, mygod. I thought he was straight.”   
“Right? Well I guess I don’t know that he isn’t. I don’t know.”

“Did you kiss?”

“Jesus, Arashi.”

“You’re blushing, so, yes. Well, he’s definitely not straight then. He’s just mega-closeted. God! How sad.”

“He’s so different when it’s just the two of us. If I make any moves, he backs off, but if I just sit and wait, it happens, and it’s so nice, Arashi. But it feels terrible. He won’t acknowledge that it’s even happening. Even when I was breaking it off, he pretended he didn’t know what I was talking about.”

“That jerk. How dare he play with you.” Izumi dismissed this with a wave of his hand.

“No, it’s fine. He’s clearly struggling with himself. I just can’t be caught up in it, you know? I need to look out for my own interests.”   
“My, who is this new Izumi Sena? Standing up for yourself and everything.”   
At that, Izumi scoffed.


	10. Winter, Senior Year

At first Mika thought the note was from Shu. It fluttered out of his locker when he opened it, a piece of paper folded in quarters. But it was just regular lined notebook paper, nothing Shu would stoop to leaving his correspondence on. The cryptic message was written in a loping script, similar enough to Shu’s that it seemed out of place to be picking it up off the floor in the hallway. “To the little crow who doesn’t want to fly away -- Please come to the auditorium during your lunch period.” It was signed with xx-- the way Shu signed his notes to Mika. Mika scowled. Even if hadn’t written it, it had the unmistakable trace of his weird new attitude all over it. He closed his locker and started towards the auditorium.

 

Inside, it was dark and empty. The floor gently sloped downwards as Mika continued towards the stage. He liked the empty theater. It reminded him of Shu, in a way. Though the seats were plastic, covered in a red polyester woven monstrosity, he could easily imagine it. Mahogany seats, velvet cushions, the domed ceiling a series of angelic murals and elegant scrollwork. The kind of place Shu’s work would be seen, one day. All Mika wanted was to be beside him, when it happened. 

 

He liked the theater when it wasn’t empty, too. He and Shu had seen nearly every play the school had put on, since Mika moved here three years ago. Mika liked the ritual of it. To Shu, all outings were events, and all events were worth dressing up for. Shu would get dressed, they would return to school, buy their tickets, take their programs and find seats. The lights would flicker and the chatter around them would die, and the mood would change. Mika didn’t feel like a person watching a play, then. He didn’t feel like a person at all. When the actors walked out onto the stage, Mika didn’t exist anymore. It was like magic. One moment, there was Mika, and the next there was only the story. Shu preferred the concert band shows, as long as they stuck to classical music, but Mika didn’t find them as magical. It was what being with Shu was like, Mika thought. Almost a fairytale. Until recently, at least. He wondered if he would still feel the same about these kinds of things, when Shu left him. Mika couldn’t think of another reason why Shu was pulling away, why he was making himself more and more distant, and insisting that he and Mika grow apart. He was convinced of it now; it was only an eventuality. 

 

On the stage, a light switched on. Mika looked around, searching for sign of someone else in the theater with him. The curtains were still drawn, their heavy fabric hiding whoever was up there. “Hello?” Mika called. There was no response, but he could hear footsteps backstage. On each side of the stage was a small set of steps. Mika walked to the side of the stage and made his way up. It was more nerve wracking than he imagined it would be, standing on the stage. He could picture all of the people in the audience, staring at him.  _ What would Shu say _ , thought Mika. He had no idea. It was rare that he couldn’t imagine what Shu’s reaction to something would be. He tried to picture him, sitting in the audience, looking up at Mika, but he couldn’t conjure up his face. “Hello?” Mika was getting frustrated. “If you want something from me, hurry up and tell me. I only have 15 minutes left of lunch.”

“Hello there, little crow.” Mika knew the voice, but he couldn’t quite place it. He slipped behind the curtains. 

“I’m not a crow.” In the shadows, he mostly saw the long blue hair, first, and it clicked into place. Wataru Hibiki, the only person at this school weirder than Shu. 

“I heard you were struggling,” Wataru said.

“Who’d y’hear that from?” Mika scowled. He didn't think that he was the one struggling. 

“Who do you think, little bird?” Of course. They were old friends, after all. For a moment, Mika was furious. Why would Shu talk to someone else about whatever problems he’s having, instead of Mika? 

“I told you. I’m not a little crow or any kind of bird.” 

“Hmm, no? You’re not a little bird, afraid to fly away?” 

“I already left the nest, didn’t I?” He thought of his moms, both of them, who had let him come to stay with Shu, so he could go to a school where he wasn’t bullied, where he had friends and would do well. Without them hovering over him. 

“I don’t think changing one nest for another quite counts.” 

 

Shu talked like this sometimes, a game where things are other things. Mika was terrible at it. He has always needed everything spelled out for him. But here, he was feeling something like confidence. He was angry and it was making him less self-conscious. Why was Mika having to go around, talk to these people he would never normally interact with, to get to the root of the problem with his own boyfriend? If Shu wanted him gone, fine, he could get rid of him, throw him away like the trash that he was. It wasn’t something Mika could do himself. But still, Mika thought, unable to hold onto his anger for long. He wants to soften the blow. He doesn’t want to hurt me when he does it. This was unlike Shu, but it was the only of the tender gestures Shu had attempted recently that felt actually kind, to Mika. 

 

“It does. I left the nest three years ago, when I came up here.”   
“Mhmm. That’s not how Itsuki feels. You’ve built your whole life around him.”

“How would y’know how he feels, yeah?” Mika snapped. “Did he tell you? Did he open up, spill his intimate thoughts with you? I didn’t think so. You inferred with what you struggled to squeeze outta him. You guessed based on what you know about him. Well, what d’you know about him, Hibiki? I’ve built my life around him? I’m 16. How could I not? The person I want to be, the person I am right now, is the person I am when I’m with him. Don’t tell me what y’think is happening. Tell me what you know, or don’t tell me anything at all. Better yet, get Shu to tell me. I don’t want to hear it from you.” Mika felt exhausted. Being angry was hard; he wasn’t cut out to have those kind of feelings. Usually, he let Shu do it for him. 

Wataru started laughing. “Quite an outburst for one of Shu’s little dolls! An impassioned performance. Maybe you’re right, you’re not a little bird. You’re certainly big enough to defend yourself, at least. But I didn’t summon you here to talk about Itsuki.” Wataru walked into the spotlight. “I brought you here to talk about theater.” 

“Great,” Mika said. “I can’t act.” Why did Shu talk to Wataru, he wondered, and not him? What did Shu say?

“That remains to be seen. That was certainly a moving performance you just gave. But there are other important aspects of drama. Our club membership is dwindling, and I think you have an eye for the dramatic. Also, set design, lights, stage crew. Any number of things. I’m recruiting.”

Mika sat there, mutely, trying to process what he had just heard. Wataru was seeking out members. This didn’t have anything to do with his relationship with Shu. His actions seemed embarrassing now, in the light of that. 

“What do you think? The rest of the drama club is harmless. Come and do set design for us for the spring musical and I’ll be as meek and normal as possible, so not to frighten you.”

Mika meant to turn him down, but instead heard himself tell Wataru “I’ll think about it.” He let that sink in, gave himself a moment to rescind the offer, and then turned and made his way out of the auditorium. He left the lunch Shu made him in his locker. 


	11. Late Autumn, Senior Year

“No, thank you. I didn’t ask you up here to talk about my feelings, Hibiki.” Wataru feigned a hurt face, but Shu ignored it. 

“What did you ask me up here for, then?”

“Mika. He needs a hobby outside of my hobbies. He’ll be useless when I’m not here next year, otherwise.” Shu thought of how much Mika enjoyed watching Wataru’s plays. He had to admit that some of his ploys were a bit farfetched. Even Morisawa had little interest in recruiting Mika for basketball. He needed to do something that he would actually enjoy. He had taken Mika to nearly every play the school had put on since Mika moved in with him. At first Shu had hated them. He knew it was just high school but the production quality was not up to his standards. But Mika, Mika loved it. And Shu loved watching Mika love it. But he couldn’t tell Wataru that. He wasn’t sure he could even tell Mika that. “He might enjoy this.” 

“I don’t know the boy well,” Wataru admitted. “But he’s your protégé, no?”

“My paramor,” Shu said. 

“Ah,” said Wataru. “Still. He follows you everywhere. He takes after you.” At this, Shu scowled.

“He takes after himself,” he corrected. 

“Has he mentioned joining? I don’t bite. Send him over.”    
“No,” Shu admitted. “He rarely does things of his own initiative.” He watched Mika and Arashi finish their lunches and leave. A wind was blowing, and the warm autumn afternoon was starting to turn colder. Once he was finished talking to Wataru, Shu was headed inside, too. It’d be winter soon enough, and the year would end, and eventually, he would graduate. And Mika would be here next year, without him. 

“Can you do me a favor, Hibiki? Can you convince him to join. You can’t tell him it was my idea, and you can’t force him. It needs to be his own decision.”

“If he meets my standards, I’m willing to take him.”

“He’s a hard worker. Tireless. A good eye. I have no idea what his acting ability is like. Actually, he can’t conceal his emotions at all. But give him a chance.”

“I can do that,” Wataru said.


	12. Winter, Senior Year

The avalanche of papers that fell from his locker as he opened it, Izumi thought, were not there when he closed it last. For one thing, it was newsprint, not his notes. For another, his books remained inside his locker, perfectly stacked. He bent to grab a handful at his feet. “This is the lit mag. What asshole,” he said to a mostly empty hallway, “put the entire literary magazine in my locker, page by page?” As expected, there was no answer. Izumi dropped his books in the locker, took out the bag with his gym clothes, and slammed the door shut. On his way to tennis practice, Izumi crumbled the pages in his hand into a ball and tossed them into a trash can. The junior Makoto Yuuki had joined the team, and though he had quit being a model a few years back, he was cuter than ever. He was pretending not to remember Izumi, but Izumi would just have to remind him, he decided.


	13. Winter, Senior Year

YUMENOSAKI LITERARY MAGAZINE <litmag@yumenosaki.edu>

To: Leo Tsukinaga <maestroLeo@hotmail.com>

  
  


RE: SUBMISSION

 

Thank you for your submission to the Yumenosaki Literary Magazine. We have decided your poem, “(memories/underneath) √tree”, will be published, as “Memories Underneath the Roots of your Favorite Tree” in the upcoming issue. As per request, the submission will be labeled as anonymous, but as a contributor, you are entitled to your free copy, available to be picked at the club room after its publication. 

  
  


We look forward to your submissions in the future. 

Thank you,

Souma Kanzaki, Editor


	14. Late Winter, Senior Year

\---SMS---

TO: Nazuna

Do you really think that I treat everyone around me like an object?


	15. Late Winter, Senior Year

The loudspeaker crackled to life, interrupting the teacher at the head of the classroom. She paused to let the message pass before continuing. 

 

“Leo Tsukinaga to the dean’s office. Leo Tsukinaga. Dean’s office.” 

  
Izumi rolled his eyes. Even when trying to avoid him, traces of Leo could still be found everywhere he turned. The teacher resumed speaking, and Izumi pushed Leo out of his thoughts again.


	16. Late Winter, Senior Year

\---SMS---

 

TO: Shu

I was a little harsh, when I said that, wasn’t I? I regret a lot of things I said.

 

TO: Shu

I know you don’t mean to treat people that way.


	17. Late Winter, Senior Year

To the parents of Leo Tsukinaga,

 

As discussed in our recent meeting, this letter is to inform you that your son, Leo Tsukinaga, will be suspended from Yumenosaki Academy, for 10 days, beginning [date].

 

This decision was made because of Leo’s continued aggressive behavior towards another student, including but not limited to his inventive violent threats, intimidation, and at least one physical altercation. 

 

On the conclusion of his suspension, Leo will be allowed to return to class, but will be suspended from after school curriculars for the following 30 days.

 

If you have any questions, please feel free to contact the administration here at Yumenosaki.


	18. Late Winter, Senior Year

\---SMS---

 

TO: Nazuna

I’m sorry, Nazu.


	19. Late Winter, Senior Year

Since moving here, Mika had always thought of Shu’s home as his home. But he had to admit at times it didn’t feel like anyone’s home-- it felt like a museum, where everything was on display and no one was at ease. It didn’t feel like a place people actually lived. Shu had a family much bigger than his, but the house was so large that they always seemed distant. It was unlike the warm but confining home he had come from. Mika had missed his parents many times before, but now he was missing the rest of his life, back home. He missed where feelings were always on the surface, and problems could be talked about. But, he chided himself, it was probably just the distance from the problems he had left back home that made him feel this way. Still. Right now, he felt out of place. Sometimes the only thing he felt comfortable touching, in this museum of a house, was Shu. Shu was what made this foreign place a home to him. But he was pulling away, and every time Mika reached across to close the gap, Shu pulled further. Mika, with his arms outstretched but never reaching anything, felt that this was the edge of things. The way forward only led into the abyss. 

 

The two of them sat in the parlor, as Shu called it, but it was just a living room, Mika thought. Some chairs, a sofa, a low table that they knelt before now, doing schoolwork. Mika had doodled on the side of his math worksheet, but he hadn’t actually completed any problems. He looked up to see Shu’s pencil steadily moving across the page. A master at everything he puts his hand to, Mika thought. Able to ignore the thickest awkwardness in order to do what must be done. 

 

“Do you need help?” Shu asked, without looking up.  _ Ha.  _ Mika thought.  _ Yes, but I’ll never be able to squeeze it out of you. _ He shook his head no. For a moment Shu continued to work, and Mika continued to not work. 

 

Shu finished writing his sentence, and put his pencil down, and looked up at Mika. “I need to make sure you know. You’re always going to be special to me. You’re always going to be welcome in this house.”  _ Ah, _ Mika thought.  _ This is it. Here is comes. _ It had been all he’d thought about since Shu started acting weird, but it wasn’t an idea he could get used to. He couldn’t imagine himself unattached from Shu. He felt his face get hot, his throat grow tight, and his vision began to blur.

 

“If you-” Shu said, stumbling over his words. He sighed and started up again. “You don’t have to be with me out of gratitude.” 

“Why d’you keep saying things like this?” Mika asked, hoarsely.

“I just want you to know you don’t have to stay with me! You’re not, you’re not mine, you’re not a thing I own. You don’t have to pretend you are to live here. You’re allowed to be your own person. You can do whatever you want, you can break up with me whenever you want.” 

The emotion that had suddenly possessed Shu went out of him. He continued, softer this time. “You’ll still be welcome in this house. I’ll still love you. I’ll still be here for you, always.” 

 

Mika squeezed his eyes shut for a moment, blinking away the tears. The ones that made it to his face felt hot. 

“Shu Itsuki,” Mika said, serious as the grave. “Why would I break up with you?”

 

At this, Shu gave a hollow laugh. When he spoke, there was a venom in his voice Mika rarely heard directed toward him. 

“I’m sure you could think of a reason. I’m controlling. I’m cruel. I rarely consider anyone’s feelings but my own. I treat everyone around me like, like the dolls in my collection.” He dropped the acid tongue, switching to a tone that felt almost vulnerable. “I don’t want you to, though. But I don’t want to tell you what to do anymore. You’re your own person, Mika, even if I don’t always treat you that way.”

“Are you kidding me?” Mika whispered, angry. He was getting good at being angry, with all the practice he was getting these days. He inched towards Shu, barely even noticing that he was moving. Mika’s face was set in anger, his eyes locked with Shu’s. Shu looked chagrined, an unfamiliar expression on him. It only made Mika angrier. _ How dare he try to change things without consulting me _ , Mika thought. He reached out and grabbed Shu’s shirt, tethering him in place. “I found you, my own friend in a sea of strangers. My own person? Is this about Nazuna? I know I’m not your doll, Shu. You rescued me, not just from loneliness, but from being miserable, from suffering by myself. I didn’t jus’ come here to in order to leave. I came here so I could be with you. And you rescue me, again and again, all the time. Y’think I don’t know about all the things you do for me? Or do y’think that I only stay with you because of them?” Mika exhaled hotly from his nose before continuing. “You are so selfish an’ so selfless at the same time. I am your friend out of gratitude, for all the things you do for me. But I am your lover because being by your side is what makes me happiest.” 

 

Mika dropped his shirt and sat back, exhausted. He didn’t know how people went on like this, so angry all the time. He couldn’t keep it up. Shu ran his hands down his shirt nervously, smoothing out the wrinkles Mika’s fist had left. His face was still sad, worried, a more vulnerable Shu than Mika had ever seen before.

“The day I stop being happiest with you, I’ll let you know. But you don’t get to decide that for me, Shu Itsuki. If you’re concerned about something like this, you, y’have to talk to me about it! If y’have worries, if you have any troubles at all, I want to be the one you talk about them with.” Mika sighed. “I spent these last weeks so worried that this was the end, that y’were going to break up with me, an’ I would have to spend the rest of the year living with you- because o’ course I know that you would let me live with you no matter what- that I was going to have to live with you, and love you, while you didn’t love me.” As he finished, the tension in the air was released. He was still mad, but it was hard to keep up. He was too tired.

 

Shu, for how little he had said, was exhausted, too. It was hard for him to dredge up worries and concerns, to deal with emotions, even Mika’s. It was counter-intuitive, to Shu, to be honest with his feelings. But in the honesty, there was relief. 

 

“I’m sorry,” he whispered, his voice raspy. 

 

Whatever anger Mika had held onto was released at the sound of Shu’s remorse. The last splinter of resentment still stuck in him was removed, and he pulled Shu close to him. Shu buried his head in Mika’s shoulder, hiding his face. Mika thought how strange it was, to be the one comforting Shu. Shu was the strong one, usually. Mika had laid his head on his boyfriend and cried many times, but couldn’t remember it ever happening the other way around.

 

“Don’t be,” Mika said. “Y’were worried about my feelings. Was kind of sweet, in a way.” He waited for Shu’s breathing to return to an even pace, then lifted his head off his shoulder and put his lips to Shu’s. The kiss was gentle, forgiving. This was how Shu best expressed his apologies. Being with him made Mika happiest, after all.


	20. Late Winter, Senior Year

\---SMS---

 

TO: Izumi

Heyy so you won’t have to worry about running into Leo if you come to chess anymore… I just heard he got suspended! Banned from school activities for a month after, too. Wonder what he did. Guess you dodged a bullet breaking things off with him when you did, huh? 


	21. Late Winter, Senior Year

Izumi looked up from his phone. He hadn’t been to chess in over a month, preferring instead to spend time with Shu in the handicrafts club. Though he had heard from Arashi that Leo almost never came anymore, either. “Just once, I think,” they had said. “And when he figured you weren’t coming, he left.” Sometimes Izumi wondered, if he hadn’t told Leo to get lost, what their relationship would be like right now. Would it still be hidden kisses in dark rooms, and feigned ignorance in the light of day? Izumi didn’t mind hiding their relationship from other people, but it was the complete denial that ruined it for him. If they couldn’t talk about what happened, then to Leo, he guessed, it wasn’t happening.  _ There’s being in the closet, and there’s being closeted, I suppose, _ Izumi thought. During the day, he told himself that Arashi was right, he had dodged a bullet. Leo was unpredictable, which was fun to watch, but torturous to be involved in. But at night he let himself remember the side of Leo he saw in those dark rooms, the part of him that seemed like the true thing, or closer to it, in any case. Maybe, Izumi worried, he just needed my support while he was struggling. Maybe I’ve only made things worse for him. 

But in the morning, Izumi had always already moved on. He can’t help Leo with a problem he won’t admit exists. And besides. There are always others more deserving of Izumi Sena’s affection. 


	22. Early Spring, Senior Year

Entering the auditorium during his lunch break was different this time. For one thing, the lights were on. For another, there were people there, immediately present. A few of the drama club members were spending their lunches practicing lines up on the stage. Mika recognized Hokuto Hidaka among them. They didn’t have any classes together, but he was a fellow junior. Wataru sat in the front row of seats, observing, occasionally offering advice. Now that the storm had passed, Mika felt embarrassed about how he had snapped at Wataru, about all of the angry things he had said. But Wataru was the kind of person who didn’t hold anything against anyone, so Mika made his way down the aisle, nervously. As he approached the front, the students on the stage glanced at him, until Wataru turned and saw Mika. He smiled, and told the drama club members to take a break. 

 

“Have you given it enough thought, little crow?” Wataru asked. Mika ignored the ‘little crow’ part; it didn’t seem like it was something Wataru was going to give up.

“I have,” Mika admitted. 

“And?”   
“I guess it seems like it might be fun. I’ll give it a shot.”


End file.
